... notable events: Pains of the Journey

I was angry.  I wanted to lash out.  I was hurt beyond belief.  I felt lost.  I felt anguish.  I felt betrayed, I felt dismayed.  It was the worst of times.  How could something like this happen to me?  I asked this to myself over and over again.  For months I cried, quietly into my pillow at night, masking the sorrow stoically in the light of day.

Why?  The questions never stopped.  Why?  Why?  Why?

I had always thought I had lived a blessed life.  Things fell into place for me.  The world was perfect, and so it was... so how did it, could it, would it happen?  ... to me?  I felt the loss of the orderly march of what was meant to be.  I grew angry at the false promise of perfection.

Wasn't it preordained?

How could it not have meant to be?

Wasn't love supposed to conquer all?

But yet... end it did.  And the world stopped turning, the sun rays grew cold, the colours of life dulled to black and white, and I cried, my heart shattered into a thousand pieces, my very being ripped into ribbons and flung into the uncaring wind.

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But you know what?

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Things sometimes happen for a reason.

You might not believe it at that very moment in time, I certainly didn't believe it at that very moment, but it is true.  I believe this to be true.  I now know this to be intimately true.

Looking back through the murky tint of our memories, I can sometimes still feel how it had felt, the heartache of loss, the pain of what could have been... but this has been tempered by the passage of time and more importantly, replaced by something far better.  Believe you me when I say, that sometimes, things do happen for a reason.  I live that reason now.  Looking back, while I can't say I'm happy for the pain and angst I went through, I can say that I'm glad that it happened for without the rite of passage, without the trial of sorrow, I would probably never have found what I believe I had truly been looking for and for that I'm am thankful for the way my life has thus far turned out.  Is it perfect?  Nay.  Of course not.  Nothing really ever is in this world.  But it is perfection enough in my eyes, flaws and all.  It is my life and the scars that were once hidden in shame, are borne now with pride, having been soothed in the embrace of that simplest of cures... love.

I am happy.  I have been for many years now.  The past long forgotten, a dull distant memory.  The painful events while once seen as a marring of a promised perfect life, now merely just another learning experience on the continual process that we call living.  I have gone on from there.  Done things I might never even have thought of doing before, chosen different paths, walked the unbeaten track, achieved many dreams that would have seemed wild or maybe even impossible back then.  I am happy... and really thats what truly matters at the end of the day, surrounded by the dearest of things, the beauty of the simplest things, the wholeness of being.

So what happened I now firmly believe, happened for a reason.  It was the worst of times, but it was also the best of times.  It brought me to this place.  This here, this now.

What is life but the maintenance of fulfillment, to live a fulfilling life, to live one with meaning and contentment, one filled of renewed hopes, of sharing and dreams and most importantly, of love.  And yes I have that.  Love.  Hell yeah.

I have no regrets.